Hanging On.

I was on my way home, I saw someone weeping on the side of the road, I hung on.
It was around midnight, but the beggar was cold and crying, so I hung on.
My mother would've probably killed me, but we’re women, we’re born for compassion, so I hung on.
Defense classes were tiring, and six hours without food was agony. But he needed it more, so I gave it to him, I hung on.
The joy and relief on his face as he devoured each and every bite of my tiffin was rewarding.  I hung on.

It was a dark, deserted alley with a humid weather to match, and my full sleeved long dress was clinging to my skin with sweat.  I still hung on.
I stuffed the tiffin in my bag, and hurriedly made my way home. I was scared; but I hung on.
How was I to know that a gang of men would block my way?  Danger vibes were lurking around the corners, like a pack of hungry wolves eyeing prey.  I closed my eyes, prayed, and hung on.
Times were bad for girls ,as the gang surrounded me.  I was pinned to a wall and groped everywhere, my tolerance was tested. But I just had to hang on.

Courageous enough to break their hands and legs and noses, flipping them upside down with strength that put them to shame.  I had nothing to fear; I won the fight. Punishment was approaching swiftly for them; they just had to hang on.
Picking myself off the floor, and helping my dignity up, I ran home. Mama’s arms were around me as I sobbed. She didn't scold me even once. Justice had been self attained, I hung on.
My house wasn't left alone after that; I was on every screen with the guilty, telling my story to these..people with cameras.  My heart was sinking, but my head was held high. 

Each time I feel like giving up during those terror seizures, the nightmares, I see some other girl, who wasn't so fortunate. She couldn't fight and had faced it all, and now her parents were running to the corrupt police stations.  All she could do was cry in frustration.  But her survival gave millions of other girls strength.
The only time when suicide wouldn't be considered cowardice. But we’re born to be heroic, saviors. We’re born to stay and fight for our right to protection.

Yes, I had saved myself.  But I was still broken inside.  While my heart was relieved,  my eyes weren't shining. When my mind said it was safe, my perspiration contradicted it.
I would never again consider the world to be a beautiful, safe place. But  I had people who believed in me, who would be heartbroken  if I gave up.  And just like billions of other girl victims, I’m not enjoying anymore.  Since that fateful night, I am and I always will be,
Hanging On.

Till I Die. 

"I Know"

"Its too hot today"
" I know"
"The weather isn't getting colder"
"I know"
"I wish the weather gets colder"
"I know"
" I'm going mad with heat!"
"I know."
"Just what kind of an answer is that?!!"
"I know"
" While most normal people say why?, you say this. Good answer!"
"I know"

Nowadays, you can either be a knowbody, or a nobody. And its just not the usual, droning, bookish stuff either.
People are progressing deeper and deeper towards development, and the unique approaches surprise us everyday. Science and literature, sore enemies, have started to actually relate, people are now comparatively more aware of what a mirage "magic" is. Fairy tales have become outdated, and in a world where now everybody gets exceptional marks, you have to know what else counts.
You seemingly know every page of your chapter. You seemingly know all the questions coming in the exams. You seemingly know how much you're going to get, so its assumed that you seemingly, can predict your future. 

"The future belongs to those, who know where they belong." No. This doesn't mean sharp, strategic planning, prodigies, achievements. This means knowing actually who you are and why are you in this world. All of us have a role to play. Doctors save lives, engineers build them, technicians power them, architects shelter them, and idiots liven them up. We can decide what we want to do, what we want to choose.
The hardest challenge life throws at us is always in the form of a choice. Since our choices make us who we are,  and shape us, we have to cross fingers and make sure its the right one.

I was browsing this website called TED : Technology, Entertainment, Design. Its a platform for sharing ideas which can change the world. Sort of academic, the cleverness amuses me. They made sure not to include "study", "education", "literacy" or any other academic word in the title.

There are amazing videos, of manipulating DNA of microorganisms to make super solar batteries or cells, making personalized skin tissue models of our organs and testing cures for different ailments, diseases. Moreover, its a lovely place to gain insight into the more complicated matters of the world. Everyone, even the dumbest ass, wants to know. They may not want to know how to calculate x or the vectors and scalars, but they certainly want to know which company hair dye did the Principal use today morning, or even the peculiar, strange meal times of their obese friends. Curiosity is the most wonderful as well as the most fatal flaw our human nature possesses.

So if we abandon school, sit at home doing futile things, sever all connections from the outside world and marry our TV and video games, will you end up being the king, or his attendant? Or none?

I don't know about you, but trust me, I Know.

The Nightingale.

It was the worst day of my life.
French class was the best place to ease my frustration. I sat on the last bench, quiet, with my eyes and fist clenched shut. Then a figure sat beside me. I had to look up only for a fraction of a second before the whole story and a river of tears came flowing out.

An incident I swore I won't speak to anyone about, I told her. When I was done, I felt no regret, no fear. Because I knew she wouldn't tell. I knew she wouldn't let anyone know what a pathetic condition she had found me in. She never tried to console me once, in fact, she very easily stated the pure simplicity of the situation. It instantly made me feel better. It was she, who made me realize that sympathy in the form of pity was the worst thing you could offer to someone in trouble.

The kindest heart I have ever come across. She was always there, beside me when I needed her most. No, I never showered her with praise, or flattered her, or called her my best friend. She was still there.

I often felt angry about things that have been unfair to me. I tend to say bitter things about the people I care about, and later it subjects me to a sleepless night. She stopped me from doing that. She always told me to let go, and nobody's perfect. There exists a backbiter in everyone, some great person had said. I can't even imagine how it feels to have been proven wrong. 

I have seen her face glow, with happiness and delight, each time some less fortunate child got a new toy when we went for Social Services together. I have listened to her simple requests and refusals at doing something extravagant for her, and have admired her each time for it. I have tried hard to learn some of her best qualities, her attitude and character, and have failed miserably every time.

Right now, while most friends would be on the verge of tears with happiness, she's just going to be shaking her head in disapproval, because she would just think that all this was unnecessary and pompous and showy, and above all, untrue. After all, I've portrayed her as an angel. I was giving her compliments I didn't mean, just to make her happy. That itself was a heinous crime for her.

Saanchi Agarwal, my Florence Nightingale.

Yes. She's allowed to disapprove and blush all she wants. But its her birthday today, and it was the perfect excuse for me to tell her how much I think of her. How lovely it is to tell her about the marvelous books I've read. Above all, how wonderful it is to have her as a friend.

I'm not comparing you to someone utterly and overly saintly. I'm doing that because you are my Nightingale. You see, you came up to me with utmost cautiousness, with just the right amount of tenderness and firmness to make me stop cursing myself, with a lantern of hope shining brightly from you.

Happy Birthday, Saanchi. Because you deserve each and every bit of this. And also because you've always wanted to read my blog. And also because I really love you. :) 

The Excitable Little China Doll.

"एक चतुर नार कर के सिंगर 
मेरे मन के द्वार ये घुसत जात 
हम मारत जात, अरे हे हे हे 
यक चतुर नारकर के सिंगर... "

1968, Saira Banu gave us something to appreciate. An epitome of charm and grace. 
Yes, Bindu won many hearts in the Hindi movie "Padosan".The moody, competitive, winner-of-hearts was our selection for the Annual Day, to pay tribute to the people who so gallantly appeared on stage and gave us the best time of our lives.  Now to choose the people who would act it out.

I'm not a huge fan of Annual Day. The last time I participated, I ended up losing my spectacles, my mom's favorite dupatta and my skirt ! (Who does that?) So yes, this time I wasn't exactly the most eager participant.
But the fun gradually lured me in, and in a matter of few days, me, Ms. Anti Annual Day, was sitting in the hall, waiting for the next act to begin. You must have guessed. It was this very song from Padosan, and I was to see the cast for the very first time.

A very melodious, classic "ta ta din ta " begun the song after a  hour of tummy-aching comedy.  The source was a senior boy playing the lead on the harmonium, with my best friend, Trina, beside him, playing Bindu.

I watched in astonishment as singer began to gesticulate the notes of the song, and both Trina's and his feet began to rise up and down in perfect unison. 
She was amazing at doing this shoulder thing, as in, she moved her shoulder blades left and right while stretching her back bone upwards with a dazzling smile. As some of my friends stated correctly, the attitude and grace came naturally to her.

Then the song started. The hall, usually jam packed and noisy, and least sensitive to the people performing, was unusually quiet. Trina leaped lightly around the whole stage, as if made up of air, while the boy with the harmonium followed her doing classic kathak steps. 
The song itself commanded attention and celebration, and the actors were doing the most wonderful job of nailing it.


Then the last, hyper beat came, and the two opponents came to fight each other. Amidst the angry "hmm! hmm!" Trina moved in between the two, flailing her arms wildly and sending them toppling backward. Then with two more graceful leaps and a smile, she finished with a flourish and looked up. The hall was dead quiet for one magical moment, before it boomed with spontaneous applause. 
I still remember her jumping high in the air shouting "Woo Hoo!", as people couldn't stop clapping for her. The spell bounding, astonishing part was, that we had this dance a billion times after that, and she evoked the same reaction every time.
I mainly wrote this for her to let her know how much people think of her and her talents.
She had always been hyperactive and jumpy and chirpy. She had always laughed the loudest at my jokes, and when we walked beside each other on the street, we were stopped every time, and asked " Are you both sisters?". The warmest question I have ever received.When she asked for her biography, I was stumped. I didn't know what title would I give her. And these aren't even proper biographies. Then I remembered a china doll my grandma used to own, probably still does. It was pure white, with a perfect, graceful figure and the happiest expression, holding her heart on one hand. I had a tendency of dropping it every time. And along with the heart, it used to shatter into two pieces. 

Grandma used to come with a tube of Fevicol and glue the pieces back together again. The china doll used to stay in the show case, brand new again, happy again. 
Trina is exactly like that. She is a tiny little beautiful thing, who is very sensitive and breakable. People hurt her uncountable times, and she shatters into so many pieces. Eventually someone comes along, with a warm smile and kind emotions, and glues her back together with her own tears and theirs, but if you just look closely enough, you'll see the fine cracks on her, which'll probably always be there.

But you know what makes her such a great person? She'll always smile. She'll occasionally make the cracks visible, but she'll always be cheerful.

And her heart, will always be out, in her hand, to give out to those who need her. 

A Swirly Sweet Lollipop

I distinctly remember myself when I came here. Wire rimmed, metal spectacles, anorexic in a bad way, dark circles, sunken cheeks and zero percent of what I am today. For a change, I was a quiet little child who used to sit into her room all day, reading some book, in a dark blue skirt or tunic. Now, I talk so openly its often offensive.
Here is why, I am that way.

I had always longed for a park.

Sweet, fresh air, soft grass, rides and lots and lots of friends. It was a dream. So when Papa got transferred to Kolkata, all my sadness evaporated as soon as I heard there was a park.
I didn't have many friends. I wasn't very social. Lucknow was a crowded, messed up city, where my life solely existed in trips between my grandparent's houses. It was relatives here and there, and none of the fun stuff.

I was in this really weird school, and hell, was it traumatizing. Despite having a large population, mainly consisting of Muslims, Lucknow did a lot to damage my self esteem. These girls, who believed in a different kind of God, kept saying things about what I do dirty and what I do wrong. We were very small then. I'm sure she has grown into a mature, responsible teen with an open mind, and she doesn't go around saying things like that anymore. I hope.

I often look back and regret not retorting, actually telling them how logical my religion was, the way I enlighten all my friends today. CMS Aliganj was definitely a good school in many ways, and will always be an integral part of my grooming, but I sometimes wish they had done more "to educate children and endeavor to unleash their potential" , the way it was so pompously written in the school prospectus. I wish they taught children that every individual is worth attention and thought, and people always believe for a reason, however bizarre it may be. 

When I shifted into Udita, I thought I'd slip away unseen. But someone had seen me.
Anamika and her family stood there, on their doorstep, watching us. Neighbors didn't play much role in my life. They were always too annoying, excessively girly or boyish to a fault. I had no idea how much fun I would be having.

From the first day I came over to her house to the last time recently when I've watched a movie with her, both of us have changed a lot. 
The the sweet little girl who used to twist the chains of a child's swing, and spin around in glee now came over to my house every single year. Now my brother was her brother. I still remember our highly awkward first Rakshabandhan. Silently tying rakhi to Jon, we then stood inches apart from each other in the lobby. Then my mom appeared from somewhere with a bag. My brother ran up to each of us, handing us something.

It was one of those giant, round lollipops. The sticky ones which never seem to end. I recall staring at all the swirly colors in terror. How will I finish that without gaining a calorie or too?
What I hadn't noticed was that Anamika had already hugged her lollipop and Jon, and was dancing with joy. She went home very happy, and I got a hug too. 

She has helped me open up to a degree I would've never been able to reach. She was my first, proper friend who has fought for me, with me, laughed at me, with me, as well as being my only companion who was solemn about the injured butterflies I used to save in the park. ( I think you can guess why this paragraph is buttercup yellow)

 My boldness and all I have today is  because of the endless debates we have. The skill of explaining things to people,which I have been terribly arrogant about lately, is only because its so much fun to teach her things I know, and give her my easier-said-than-done advice. The only difference is that years ago it was about what dress to wear and today its about her love life.

I never thank her. I'm the kind of person who doesn't write her a tbh, or a fill in the blank thingy on Facebook, or a description. She always whines. What she doesn't know is that I'm scared people will block me from their Newsfeed after reading..... Iliad 2, probably.

Our friendship is exactly like that lollipop. That sticky, irritating sweetness keeps us together like glue, and the swirly streams of color are what each one of us has woven within it. You know the best part? Its round. It has no spiteful edges and jealous corners, and let me tell all those people who are envious of our friendship one last thing:

Its going to be a long, long time before we both finish this lollipop. 

Because Doing Random Things Can Just Be Fun.

It was a long, long time ago, when I was living out one of the best days of my school life. It was the last day of Class 7 before the vacations, and there was no better way to end it than by the board decoration competition the season bought.
Class 7B was easily the best class I ever had, and that day we were doing what we did best - Work as a team. From all the nerds to the loafers, the bright to the pretty, were all working together in rhythm. Have you ever visited a craft exhibit?

I was fortunate enough to visit one, actually. I'm not a huge fan of art, but the moment I entered the place, I was mesmerized. Tiny little children were running around carrying dozens of papier mache masks, the aroma of fresh acrylic paint, sawdust changed to fairy dust as it floated around in the sunlight, and above all, the busy and animated atmosphere.No one was bothered what the other was doing, as if clones dazzled by their hobby's charisma. 

My class was somewhat like that, today. People running around and talking to someone they never had before, yelling, screaming, joy and happiness. And of course, the omnipresent, I-don't-care-as-long-as-I'm-not-in-trouble, teacher. It was a Sir in my case.
He was getting incredibly restless. I think he was developing a complex about how well our class was doing or something, because that minute he called me and told me to go check on his class, 8J, who was also supposed to be doing the board. 
I left with a heavy heart, weighed down with reluctance. But now when I think of it, It lights up with happiness.
It was as if 8J existed in a parallel universe from 7B. It was empty, with exception of two guys and a girl.

Pinaki!

Pinaki, that Narmada house prefect whose name I had heard so many times during Investiture practice.
Then the comedy of the situation I couldn't hold within me any longer. I spilled my guts on why I was really here.
They laughed when they heard that their poor class teacher was having a mini heart attack worrying about his board. I left with a broad smile on my face.

Somewhere later on in life, I came across Pinaki again, on somebody's status update on Facebook. I sent a friend request. She accepted. It was then that I realized from my Newsfeed that she had actually left the school.
After maybe an year, I complimented her One Tree Hill Ask.fm cover. She did the same, though I bet it wasn't politeness because mine was a hot guy's. No one hates Nathan Fillion.

This whole thing. Sending her a request when I didn't even know her, something my mom might kill me for, the compliment, laughing at our mutual teacher, was so completely random. If I had wanted, I could have turned away from 8J, mumbling some excuse. I could have ignored Pinaki on that update. I might have just mentally saluted that OTH cover. But I did what I did. And here's what happened.
In a few months, she got a willing biography writer and I got one of the most wonderful friends I have ever befriended. Pinaki is a lot of things, and a great conversationalist is one of them.
If people read this sometime, which I doubt they would, please don't bombard her Fb box with friend requests. She isn't very kind to anonymous people.
Don't take her case. Because only I can do that. Same applies for writing a sappy blog post on her.
She absolutely ADORES Little Mix...and me. :P, So don't insult us unless you want some broken bones.

And above all don't be afraid to do unfamiliar, strange stuff. Because doing random things can get you a lot of places.  Because doing random things can just be fun.

Making Everyone A Bibliophile.

2009. Class 4. First Day.

Yay. A whole new class! I finally got a chance to make an impression. You see, when you haven't been in school since LKG like all your cool friends, it gets kinda difficult. Especially when you come from this really conservative and decent place, and here the 4th graders have already started talking about crushes and dating.
In class 4, we didn't really have the liberty of choosing our interest, as in ADMS. Art, Dance and Music. Yes, I have no idea what that S stands for.
We had one class every week of each of the things, excluding Art , that was double period. So while my young mind and bright eyes were devouring each and every space of my new school, I got to taste the best of all worlds before I finally made a choice in Class 6.
Yes, my heart leaped at the fact that we were allowed to issue and take our library books home. I had already started Blyton when I was in Class 3, you know, had visited a finer world than Ladybird.
Mary and the Lamb wasn't really much to survive on when I longed to read about Buster and Scamper.
Library sessions were quiet and boring, and I've always found that to be a mistake. The fun part about books is that its such a substantial and prodigious topic to speak about. Sharing your favorite bits with a wide eyed friend,  arguing on the protagonist's perfect love interest. Sitting quietly in the library, hiding all your smiles and snorts at the funny Asterix jokes, being constantly reprimanded, and the posters, did I mention the posters? All those sinister soft board posters, showing pictures of an angry book with a mean look, scaring you.
When I was a child, I, like many other children, had always wanted to grow up. Put on Mom's makeup, walk down the streets with a sparkling new purse and buying my favorite candies. I managed to fulfill that desire too, because you don't have to be a 40-year old to enjoy beautiful pieces of literature. You are always admired when you're well read. And as for those who call book readers nerds or geeks, I feel just sad for them.

 Over the years I have come across such wonders, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch, Ostinato, 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher,The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, The Divine Comedy by Dante. They have changed the way I live my life, my priorities, my perspective. Yes, most of them are philosophical, but imagine the beauty when you realize they speak in your language. Things you understand and greatly admire. We all have lovely parents who can climb mountains of thorns probably to make us happy. They try to warn us, about the deceptively thrilling things in life. More then often I have found that even though I am against my mother when she tries to speak to me, when the same incidents and reasons are portrayed through a more fictitious yet real character in a book, I find myself nodding my head. Its something strange, the way books can be your best friend. 

They say your life isn't complete if you haven't completely and madly fallen in love with someone. I was lucky enough to experience that, too. I slowly found myself falling for Four's enigma, Jace's charisma and the dramatic flair in all the Agatha Christie villains.

Yes, it hurt when they met their "one true love".

I have been lucky enough to live in a world where books speak out to me, each and every redundant syllable. I have been lucky enough to have my heart race and feel adrenaline down my spine when an antagonist appears. I have been lucky enough to have found a perfectly enjoyable excuse to stay up late at night. I have been lucky enough to know the true meaning of the statement "Time flies". This was just my little attempt to share some of my luck with you.

"Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book"
 -John Green, TFIOS